Sweet dreams are made of...

The last time I felt this shitty, worthless, ugly and unloved, I went and got my nipple pierced. 

Its about that time again. 

I want to be missed and wanted. I want to be loved. I’m so greedy. Voracious. I should learn to appreciate what I have already. I hate myself.

I haven’t heard from him all day.

I’ll always be this insecure. 

I’m going to run out of things to pierce eventually. I mean, I only have two nipples. 

But thats where the cutting comes in.

This weekend:  blood, sex, booze. All shall be ok, for a while.

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I’m seriously considering going in for therapy and prescription meds. Someone, please tell me what its like to not contemplate death and dying all the time?

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I texted Sarah. I called. We talked, because I dreamed of her again, just before I left for austin at the beginning of this week. I dreamed of the world ending. 

She said she’d get online, that we’d exchange music and talk more, but of course, I guess I knew better. At least there is a slight sense of closure now. 

I hope the dreams stop.

Shes dead to me. Its better that way.

I hate people. 

I’m pretty much done. My patience and I are spent. Today was shit.

I think I have a pretty good general idea of what life has to offer, which is pretty much nothing. The chances of being delightfully surprised are pretty much slim to none. 

I’ve reached the conclusion that I’ll never be good enough, regardless of whether or not I try. For friends, for lovers, for family. 

I was walked all over again by some so called friend and an overly sensitive bitch today. And I let them get away with it because I really cant bring myself to give a rats ass anymore. I got the short end of the stick for trying to be a good understanding friend, and this really is the last straw. I’m so done with them, and if most girls are like that, then I’m done with girls; Those immature, blind, stupid selfish little bitches. When it really came down to making a decision, the choice should have been clear, but something went wrong. I’ll never understand.  

He even said so today; all we do is have sex, eat good food, and play video games. Its sad that its kind of true. Its all emptiness. I can’t tell him how I really feel because i know he cant say he feels the same way. And what I don’t understand is that once again, I dont think I’ve done anything wrong. He’s been in love twice he says. Once with Elissa and another with Neelu, both women/ girls who mistreated him, or at least didn’t treat him as I do, no doubt. I’ll never understand.

I give up. People are stupid. 

I was a fool for trying in the first place. Again I mean. Forget it all. 

I’ll keep these reminders for as long as I need to. I know I’ll never learn. 

I hate school. 

I hate it so much. Its the only reason I’m stuck in Austin. Its the only reason I’m getting up at 5-6 AM every day, feeling sore from sleeping on a rock hard bed that I have once again become unaccustomed to. Its the only reason I slept before ten last night and missed his call. Its such a bore. Such a tiring thing.

And its only the second day.

I might start going out again at night, just so I can stay awake. We should be fine today though, as he has no classes. I can call and talk to him whenever :3

I have a sneaking suspicion, a feeling I missed out on something last night. I think that based on our texts during the day, we might have discussed something important last night. Oh well. 

And maybe last night showed me something as well. Even though 3 hours isn’t that big of a deal, there is still distance between us especially since school has started and since our schedules are so different. I really won’t be surprised if he finds someone new at his school or in houston. Its just how the cookie crumbles. Couples that see each other all the time aren’t even successful necessarily. People are just that fickle in general. What makes me think anything will ever work out? I’m so naive. 

I was stupid to have gotten so attached so soon. I’m a fool. 

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For all the sleeping I’ve done since I’ve returned I haven’t really done much dreaming at all. All I can think about when I sleep is how damn uncomfortable this bed is. I should really invest in a feather mattress. I’m sore all over. 

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I’m out of menthols. :/

I’ve started making nicks and scratches in visible locations on my body. I’m testing my limits again, seeing just what I can get away with. Scarring on the surface, for all to see, but no one will notice because people are just that unobservant and uncaring. Its all for myself but at the same time a test for myself and others. This will be interesting. 

I never thought these things would be a problem for me.

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I just feel awful. 

I’ll never let you go, if you promise not to fade away; never fade away

Its only been a month and a half and unfortunately all good things must come to an end I suppose. I’ll have to get used to sleeping alone again, eating like a peasant on weekdays, and just not seeing Michael every day. Its only been a month in a half and at times it still feels unreal because I’d admired from afar for so long, for the longest time I felt like that it was all that our friendship would be. 

I’m going to start going back to Houston every weekend, minus those that he comes to visit me. I want this to work, and there’s no reason it shouldn’t; it makes me happy. He makes me happy, and I make him happy. The entire first week I was back in houston, he was laughing at himself because he was genuinely happy. I was expecting it to end any time because it just seemed too good to be true. Truth is, sometimes it still seems that way.

There were days we’d sing with each other, days where he’d sing to me. Days we just did nothing but play video games, watch movies, -ahem-, its amazing. But times, things, and most of all, people change. I wont be surprised, just disappointed, if a time like that comes for us. I feel like I’m not enough sometimes. I’m not italian, I’m not particularly attractive, I’m not a red head. I’ll make up for it in other ways I suppose, for as long as he lets me. I hope I’m enough. 

I feel like I’ve given people enough chances in general.

Sarah happened. Steven/Zhi happened. Shit happened. Someone else always comes along, and the truth is, most people just use you until something or someone better comes along. I feel like that’s whats happening now, but I’d like to have more faith and trust in him than that. I’ve learned not to deceive myself with blind faith though. What’s the right amount of trust? There isn’t really a perfect amount. I’ll always have my doubts I suppose, especially because of the past. 

This is the last try. My last try really, to trust someone, to believe that human relationships aren’t all completely a waste of time and effort. Its pretty sad, but I know I dont have the capacity to live alone and isolated from people. I don’t have that kind of strength, but I don’t have the strength nor do I care enough to act normal to maintain relationships either. Its just too tiring. If all else fails, I think I really will just quit at life. There is no point for me to continue living if there is no sense of connection with at least one person, because I’m not strong enough or insensitive enough to live a life of solitude. 

Im sure I have enough money to afford a gun, and if not, I’m sure I could sell enough things to be able to afford one. It’ll be the quickest way to go. 

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I had many dreams over the break, none that I cared to record. They were all random, nonsensical dreams. Unimportant. 

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I told him I loved him before I left, which was the truth, just bottled up for the longest time. He didn’t use that word, but he told me he enjoyed spending time with me and what not. I can at least respect his honesty. People use that word too lightly these days anyway. Its good to meet someone who uses the word for what it really is. 

First night back in Austin I went straight to Kasbah. I hadn’t had a good hookah in over a month. That’s the only thing houston lacks. A good/decent hookah lounge. Rachel and Nathan started talking to me again, but I know better. I know who they are. I knew immediately when Nathan started touching my legs again. I want none of that. I have better and I know I’m capable and deserving of better. 

At least I’m more resolute now. At least I’ll know I did my part, that I did all I could do if things don’t work out. I wont be the one to blame. 

He makes me happy. He gives a bit of hope.

He says he doesn’t want this relationship to end after December, which makes me rather happy because it wasn’t/isn’t a fling, but people say things, empty, weightless words, all the time. People mean things one day or for a period of time but cruelly snatch back those words or deny them completely after. Or maybe they really do forget. They’re only human I suppose.

Weightless words. Lies. Can’t stand them.

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The only people, I’ve decided, who I simply cannot handle in this world, who make me want to straight up go bat shit crazy and kill shit, are my mother and her.

Thoughts of her make me regret everything.

I dreamed of her again.

The world is spinning. I’m going back to sleep.